My Girl

So I worried about my kids this week. A lot. All four of them. For four different reasons. I especially worried about my RachE girl. Not for any reason I care to share. Everything is mostly fine. But she is just on the top of my list this week. And so I have cried. And prayed. And asked God for specific answers of how to resolve my concerns towards her.
And, the answers came. Slowly but surely. One came as I was thinking back to Rachel as a baby. She was a peculiar one. She gave us worry even then as she tried to eat and grow her way out of the NICU. And she was my screamer. For no reason that I could discern. So one night at about 1 am I heard the screams. And they kept coming and coming and coming. And I was tired. Too tired to get up. Too tired to do anything other than let her scream. And eventually she did stop. And it was fine. But I have always regretted that one night. Why couldn't I have just gotten up and held her for a few minutes!?

So as I cried and prayed over her this week the answer came to me:  "If you could go back to that night, what would you have done differently?" the Spirit spoke to me. "I would have gotten up."I answered. "Well, then that's all you need to do now."   What did that teach me? LOVE. I just need to love my kids. Love them in the way that THEY each need to be loved. In reality, I know I still wouldn't have gotten up with my screaming baby that night (sometimes mama's gotta sleep!). But I would have loved her better. And I still need to do that.

Like last night when she was so nicely playing on the playground. Hi Mom! she called from the slide. "Hi Rachel" I answered from my position of nose in facebook.  "you're not even looking at me!" she called. Okay, I got it. Phone away.  Get out of bed and hold your baby.

Or the other night when I so proudly told them, "being a mom is the best job in the world. I wouldn't want to be doing anything else."  Then my astute daughter commented, "Then why do you cry everyday?" Ha! "Because it's still hard" I told her.

I choose this job. So it's time I suck it up and start practicing what I preach. Cause one day I won't be tired anymore. But there won't be anyone to wake up in the night for.

President Uchtdorf said:"God loves you this very day and always. He is not waiting to love you until you have overcome your weaknesses and bad habits. He loves you today with a full understanding of your struggles...He knows of your remorse for the times you have fallen short or failed. And still He loves you...He wants you to achieve your destiny--to return to your heavenly home in honor."

I believe this. And so I will manage to do better with the multiple blessings He has given to me.

PS. I don't want anyone to worry about us. Everything is fine. We mostly have a clean house and laundry folded and happy kids who are obedient and kind. And I really don't think I'm a bad mom for letting my baby cry for one night while I got some sleep. But I did need these quiet lessons this week in order for me to be the mom my kids need me to be.