My Girl

So I worried about my kids this week. A lot. All four of them. For four different reasons. I especially worried about my RachE girl. Not for any reason I care to share. Everything is mostly fine. But she is just on the top of my list this week. And so I have cried. And prayed. And asked God for specific answers of how to resolve my concerns towards her.
And, the answers came. Slowly but surely. One came as I was thinking back to Rachel as a baby. She was a peculiar one. She gave us worry even then as she tried to eat and grow her way out of the NICU. And she was my screamer. For no reason that I could discern. So one night at about 1 am I heard the screams. And they kept coming and coming and coming. And I was tired. Too tired to get up. Too tired to do anything other than let her scream. And eventually she did stop. And it was fine. But I have always regretted that one night. Why couldn't I have just gotten up and held her for a few minutes!?

So as I cried and prayed over her this week the answer came to me:  "If you could go back to that night, what would you have done differently?" the Spirit spoke to me. "I would have gotten up."I answered. "Well, then that's all you need to do now."   What did that teach me? LOVE. I just need to love my kids. Love them in the way that THEY each need to be loved. In reality, I know I still wouldn't have gotten up with my screaming baby that night (sometimes mama's gotta sleep!). But I would have loved her better. And I still need to do that.

Like last night when she was so nicely playing on the playground. Hi Mom! she called from the slide. "Hi Rachel" I answered from my position of nose in facebook.  "you're not even looking at me!" she called. Okay, I got it. Phone away.  Get out of bed and hold your baby.

Or the other night when I so proudly told them, "being a mom is the best job in the world. I wouldn't want to be doing anything else."  Then my astute daughter commented, "Then why do you cry everyday?" Ha! "Because it's still hard" I told her.

I choose this job. So it's time I suck it up and start practicing what I preach. Cause one day I won't be tired anymore. But there won't be anyone to wake up in the night for.

President Uchtdorf said:"God loves you this very day and always. He is not waiting to love you until you have overcome your weaknesses and bad habits. He loves you today with a full understanding of your struggles...He knows of your remorse for the times you have fallen short or failed. And still He loves you...He wants you to achieve your destiny--to return to your heavenly home in honor."

I believe this. And so I will manage to do better with the multiple blessings He has given to me.

PS. I don't want anyone to worry about us. Everything is fine. We mostly have a clean house and laundry folded and happy kids who are obedient and kind. And I really don't think I'm a bad mom for letting my baby cry for one night while I got some sleep. But I did need these quiet lessons this week in order for me to be the mom my kids need me to be.

Eyes to See

I don't know how to say what I want to say, so just bear with me as this clumsily comes out!
We had a really nice Christmas break with my family and now we are back to reality. My toddlers are playing in their cribs while they wait for me to finish "my" morning stuff. I pried myself awake at 6:30 and not quite sucessfully got the 6 year olds to school on time. Apparently my resolution to be patient with my daughter who dawdles has failed.
One of my resolutions is to not complain so much. In reality, I have everything I need and almost everything I want. But yet this is still a constant struggle for me. I do not deal well with noise, mess, or disorder. I crave structure, order, obedience, quiet. So having so many young kids (while a dream come true) really is a challenge for me.
So while I am finding sneakers that should have been found last night and pouring bowls of cereal five minutes after we should have left I have to repeat to myself, "At least my babies sleep in and I don't have to deal with them yet."

And when my babies are screaming and pushing each other off of my lap and they both want mommy right now! I have to repeat to myself, "At least they still nap!"

My quest of not complaining so much often reminds me of all of you. So many of you are succeeding at this mothering thing. You might not think you are. But I see you. I see you raising handfuls of boys in a small space. I see you going to work and leaving little ones day  after day. I see you waking up at the crack of dawn over and over and over. I see you being single parents, working parents, stay at home parents who are just weary. But I see you fighting for your kids. I see you cuddling them when they're sick and wiping their tears over and over and over.
And I do the same things. And I'm grateful for the help I have. I am so thankful that when I am at the grocery store, or airport, or church that I can look around and see kindness in people's eyes. That they will play peek a boo. Or pick up a toy. Or distract a tantruming toddler. And I hope that you have that help also. Because we all need it, large or small or multiple children or not. And I hope to be that person to you as you have been to me. I want to be able to bring you dinner even when we are eating chicken nuggets. I want to be able to babysit your kids even when my house has exploded into a toy landfill.
That is my resolution this year. To stop complaining and to look outside of my own self to reach out and SEE the good I can do.

But I know I will fail at it. I know that I will let the clutter and the noise and the tears get to me very quickly. I know that if it is up to me I will never rise above myself. But it doesn't matter. I am not the one who needs to see. Because even if we all fail--He doesn't. He sees. He knows. And if we open our eyes, He will guide us to who we need to help this day. In our own home, or outside of it. I might not see you, but He does. I can't complain about any of that!