Cobwebs go to Sleep

So I promise I won't always use this blog to complain. We have actually had some really great moments since my last post. About five times everyday I remember that I have the best kids ever. But about five times a day I look around at this house and inwardly scream, "I want to move!" I need more space!" And at least once a day it is not inward. At least once I actually exclaim, "We need to move!" This is my house as of this moment. And this is a CLEAN day. 

But then, I remember all of the reasons that I should be glad we have a small house:

• We have a low mortgage so that means we have funds for extra travel, extra food and we don't have to think about our bank account every minute
• We have a housecleaner. And yes, I have guilt about this. After five years of her coming, I still feel guilty that I am not scrubbing my own bathroom. BUT, the way I see it--I can either pay for a clean house, or I can pay for therapy
• We LOVE our school and the walk to and from is perfect
• We have a great neighborhood and actually know and talk to a lot of our neighbors now
• A small house=a quick clean up
• I know that a big house will still get incredibly messy
• No stairs=no falling down them
• We know we can afford to live here. I know that I can be a stay at home mom==super great peace of mind!
• First world problems--I am so grateful that we have a food and a roof and healthy children! I don't NEED ANYTHING!

BUT...I admit that today is just one of those days that I just can't take it anymore. I want a gloriously organized toy room instead of a messy office. I want a laundry room that I can walk into. I want a pantry that I can get into without scooting the kitchen table over.  And, we will get there someday. I know we will. We can save money and change our priorities. We could even do it tomorrow. But, we don't really want to. We really want to live the life we have.

So...what do I do to feel better? I make lists, I organize, I clean. I purge. I get help. And it normally works. Organization to me is better than Christmas. But this morning, I just didn't have it in me. I knew this feeling of despondency was more than a simple To Do list could fix. And so I prayed. I prayed that I could find myself again. That I can be happy despite living among such chaos. and that for once, my normally very prideful attitude of "I can do it myself" could yield to a higher power.  And then, I read this:

 "The notions of self help and time management are comforting--and motivating--but neither is completely true or reliable, and in the long run, they set us up for a fall.  The fact is, we can't do everything. We're actually pretty limited in what we can do on our own, and sorry, we just don't get better every day in every way. As much as we might like to control everything, plan everything, and never be surprised, life doesn't work that way. In fact, it is our human inadequacies that can make us humble, faithfilled, and ultimately powerful through a higher power....to truly lift to another level--to go beyond our very finite and limited abilities, to see realities that are beyond our senses-we need non-self help. We need help from a higher source, from a spiritual source--from God."(The Turning, Richard and Linda Eyre, pg156). 

And so, the "experts" would tell me to get rid of this chair. We don't really use it anymore and it definitely doesn't fit the space. I could sell it and get nice toy storage containers. This would actually make me extremely happy.

But...if I'm going to listen to the higher power today...instead of seeing spilled milk and crumbs and really ugly brown when I look at this chair...I need to see this instead. And remember why I have this chair in the first place. I bought it so I could nurse and rock and change and love my babies. And so I've done all that. But what I've actually done is become myself. I wasn't a mother without it. How could I possibly say that it is "in the way?"

Big house or clean house or not--this chair is all the "space" I need.