For Real

So people have been telling me that they like that I'm "real". So I've been giving thought to what that means. I don't know if I like it so much. Cause the real I am means the things I am not. And I am not a lot of things:clean, on time, matched, artistic, a cook, a musician, a poet. I am not high energy. I am not fast.
 So what does all of that look like?  It looks like a family of six trudging two carts through Costco with a toddler screaming through the aisles and with a face so booger slimed and dirty I'm surprised someone didn't call CPS. It looks like a son who throws fit after fit because he's tired and hungry but really it's cause he's sad he's the  only boy. It looks like toddlers climbing and climbing and climbing out of their cribs and saying mine mmine mine mmine I do it I do it I do it! And it looks like a freshly vacumned floor with new crumbs and toys within seconds. And a sink full of dishes and three laundry baskets waiting to fold. And a never ending list of projects: hang the pictures, catch up on blog, send note to friend, order birthday present, check on gma, etc.  You have those things too.

If I look at this "real" for too long then I admit it--it's depressing! It's overwhelming! It's all consuming.  But...are you ready for it...there is a BUT...

BUT...
I know I'm blessed.
I know it doesn't last forever.
I know that others have a harder and longer "real"
I know that there is help! Divine help, neighbor help, friend help,pychiatric help, and let's blog about it and get it off my chest help.
And so all of this means that I can have a total breakdown I'm hopeless fit on Friday and on Sunday I can sit in the middle of all this realness and laugh and laugh.

Because this roller coaster, highway, box of chocolates, life test, insert your favorite analogy here, is REAL. And I'm happy to at least be that.

This was supposed to be a cute video of E copying everything B did or said. But of course she stopped as soon as the camera came out. I also have a really cute video of them at library story time, but my phone broke before it could upload to backup. Of course. :)

Everyone Should Have a Twin

So I've been comtemplating what I have been showing the world about my mothering life. I haven't been happy with it. I have been showing the hard stuff. (Which is there all the time). But does it dominate my perspective? I'm afraid it does more than I'd like it to. My husband is so much better at making things fun and happy. We had about ten minutes between dinner and bedtime last night...and so this is what we did. It was awesome.

Just in 24 hours I've had conversations in which people have said:

"I don't know how you do it."
"you're my hero"

I hear these often.  And I LOVE hearing it; don't stop :)

But I also had this convo: (after seeing twin b push twin a over to me after calling her over a few times).

"You have two sets of twins? That's fantastic."

And I definitely need to hear this more often and believe it and share it! Because yes, it is FANTASTIC!

Managing to Nourish

Yesterday I went to the funeral of a fellow mother of multiples (twins plus five!).

She was DeAnna Welling Packer, but we knew her only as Mother Packer. It was said that "I'd rather see a sermon than hear one." And how she was a living sermon of Christlike qualities. And the sermon this angel Mother left me is this:

She did not manage her children at all. She simply nourished them. Like a gardener in the soil, she planted the seeds, provided all of the water, nutrients and sunshine they needed, and then let them grow. And what a beautiful garden she turned out to have!  Some daisies, some roses, some extras (like me and my friends) that got added to the pot along the way.

I'm so blessed to have Lori Packer Truman in my life. And we both are in love with our friend Jeanine's baby :)

Her light shone so bright that it was tempting to only see your own insignifigance and shrink in her presence. But as a true Mother she never allowed that. She opened her blanket of warmth and wrapped you up in it so tightly that you couldn't help but be reminded of your own light and to feel only inspired to make it grow.

She was so good at validating the weeds you think you have, but only inspiring you to  turn them into flowers again...not by force or grit, but only invitation and love.  Not unlike our Savior. So much like our Savior.

So now the only thing that I want to "manage" is myself-to become more like the mother He wants me to be. And hopefully I will help them see  more flower than weed.

My Girl

So I worried about my kids this week. A lot. All four of them. For four different reasons. I especially worried about my RachE girl. Not for any reason I care to share. Everything is mostly fine. But she is just on the top of my list this week. And so I have cried. And prayed. And asked God for specific answers of how to resolve my concerns towards her.
And, the answers came. Slowly but surely. One came as I was thinking back to Rachel as a baby. She was a peculiar one. She gave us worry even then as she tried to eat and grow her way out of the NICU. And she was my screamer. For no reason that I could discern. So one night at about 1 am I heard the screams. And they kept coming and coming and coming. And I was tired. Too tired to get up. Too tired to do anything other than let her scream. And eventually she did stop. And it was fine. But I have always regretted that one night. Why couldn't I have just gotten up and held her for a few minutes!?

So as I cried and prayed over her this week the answer came to me:  "If you could go back to that night, what would you have done differently?" the Spirit spoke to me. "I would have gotten up."I answered. "Well, then that's all you need to do now."   What did that teach me? LOVE. I just need to love my kids. Love them in the way that THEY each need to be loved. In reality, I know I still wouldn't have gotten up with my screaming baby that night (sometimes mama's gotta sleep!). But I would have loved her better. And I still need to do that.

Like last night when she was so nicely playing on the playground. Hi Mom! she called from the slide. "Hi Rachel" I answered from my position of nose in facebook.  "you're not even looking at me!" she called. Okay, I got it. Phone away.  Get out of bed and hold your baby.

Or the other night when I so proudly told them, "being a mom is the best job in the world. I wouldn't want to be doing anything else."  Then my astute daughter commented, "Then why do you cry everyday?" Ha! "Because it's still hard" I told her.

I choose this job. So it's time I suck it up and start practicing what I preach. Cause one day I won't be tired anymore. But there won't be anyone to wake up in the night for.

President Uchtdorf said:"God loves you this very day and always. He is not waiting to love you until you have overcome your weaknesses and bad habits. He loves you today with a full understanding of your struggles...He knows of your remorse for the times you have fallen short or failed. And still He loves you...He wants you to achieve your destiny--to return to your heavenly home in honor."

I believe this. And so I will manage to do better with the multiple blessings He has given to me.

PS. I don't want anyone to worry about us. Everything is fine. We mostly have a clean house and laundry folded and happy kids who are obedient and kind. And I really don't think I'm a bad mom for letting my baby cry for one night while I got some sleep. But I did need these quiet lessons this week in order for me to be the mom my kids need me to be.

Eyes to See

I don't know how to say what I want to say, so just bear with me as this clumsily comes out!
We had a really nice Christmas break with my family and now we are back to reality. My toddlers are playing in their cribs while they wait for me to finish "my" morning stuff. I pried myself awake at 6:30 and not quite sucessfully got the 6 year olds to school on time. Apparently my resolution to be patient with my daughter who dawdles has failed.
One of my resolutions is to not complain so much. In reality, I have everything I need and almost everything I want. But yet this is still a constant struggle for me. I do not deal well with noise, mess, or disorder. I crave structure, order, obedience, quiet. So having so many young kids (while a dream come true) really is a challenge for me.
So while I am finding sneakers that should have been found last night and pouring bowls of cereal five minutes after we should have left I have to repeat to myself, "At least my babies sleep in and I don't have to deal with them yet."

And when my babies are screaming and pushing each other off of my lap and they both want mommy right now! I have to repeat to myself, "At least they still nap!"

My quest of not complaining so much often reminds me of all of you. So many of you are succeeding at this mothering thing. You might not think you are. But I see you. I see you raising handfuls of boys in a small space. I see you going to work and leaving little ones day  after day. I see you waking up at the crack of dawn over and over and over. I see you being single parents, working parents, stay at home parents who are just weary. But I see you fighting for your kids. I see you cuddling them when they're sick and wiping their tears over and over and over.
And I do the same things. And I'm grateful for the help I have. I am so thankful that when I am at the grocery store, or airport, or church that I can look around and see kindness in people's eyes. That they will play peek a boo. Or pick up a toy. Or distract a tantruming toddler. And I hope that you have that help also. Because we all need it, large or small or multiple children or not. And I hope to be that person to you as you have been to me. I want to be able to bring you dinner even when we are eating chicken nuggets. I want to be able to babysit your kids even when my house has exploded into a toy landfill.
That is my resolution this year. To stop complaining and to look outside of my own self to reach out and SEE the good I can do.

But I know I will fail at it. I know that I will let the clutter and the noise and the tears get to me very quickly. I know that if it is up to me I will never rise above myself. But it doesn't matter. I am not the one who needs to see. Because even if we all fail--He doesn't. He sees. He knows. And if we open our eyes, He will guide us to who we need to help this day. In our own home, or outside of it. I might not see you, but He does. I can't complain about any of that!

Little Wonders

So, I have a whole blog post written in my mind that I was going to post today. But then, I was reminded that today is National Prematurity Awareness Day. And so, here are my oldest twins, born at 29 weeks and 2 days. (Yes, that two days matter!) weighing in at 2 lbs 13.5 oz

When I reflect back on those first few months of their life, it's easy to get mad. Mad that I didn't get to see them right after birth. Mad that I didn't get to hold them for days and weeks. Mad that I didn't know I could kiss them until a nurse did first. Mad that I was robbed of breastfeeding and bonding and sleep deprivation on my own terms.

But even then, I wasn't ever really mad. Because I had peace. Trust me, I had a LOT of fear. But I also had a lot of peace. That even though their entrance into this life was in no way conventional or sound, it was still PLANNED. They were sent by God three months early to us, but exactly on time to Him. Nurses or friends would say, "It's okay that...fill in the blank... because they're not supposed to be here." And I would smile and nod, but inside I would think, "They are exactly where they are SUPPOSED to be."

And six years and two siblings later...they still are.

A horse story

This story was shared at church yesterday. It very much made me think of my own "horse" whom I cannot keep in her stall (crib) at all. But all of my kids have"habits" that I usually try to train them out of. I really like this perspective though...loving them first, and changing myself without trying to change them.
Do they have to all show their bad habits all at once though?!

When I was a boy I, we had a horse named Junie. She was one of the most intelligent animals I ever saw. She seemed almost human in her ability. I couldn’t keep her locked in the barn because she would continually undo the strap on the door of her stall. I used to put the strap connected to the half-door of the stall over the top of the post, but she would simply lift it off with her nose and teeth. Then she would go out in the yard.
There was a water tap in the yard used for filling the water trough for our animals. Junie would turn this on with her teeth and then leave the water running. My father would get after me because I couldn’t keep that horse in the barn. She never ran away; she just turned on the water and then walked around the yard or over the lawn or through the garden. In the middle of the night, I would hear the water running and then I would have to get up and shut it off and lock Junie up again.
My father suggested that the horse seemed smarter than I was. One day he decided that he would lock her in so that she couldn’t get out. He took the strap that usually looped over the top of the post and buckled it around the post and under a crossbar, and then he said, “Young lady, let’s see you get out of there now!” My father and I left the barn and started to walk back to the house; and before we reached it, Junie was at our side. She then went over and turned the water on again.
I suggested that now, perhaps, she was about as smart as either one of us. We just couldn’t keep Junie from getting out of her stall. But that doesn’t mean she was bad, because she wasn’t. Father wasn’t about to sell or trade her, because she had so many other good qualities that made up for this one little fault.
The horse was as reliable and dependable at pulling our buggy as she was adept at getting out of the stall. And this was important, because Mother was a licensed midwife. When she would get called to a confinement somewhere in the valley, usually in the middle of the night, I would have to get up, take a lantern out to the barn, and hitch Junie up to the buggy.
I was only about ten or eleven years old at the time; and that horse had to be gentle and yet strong enough to take me and Mother all over the valley, in all kinds of weather. One thing I never could understand, however, was why most of the babies had to be born at night and so many of them in winter.
Often I would wait in the buggy for Mother, and then it was nice to have the company of gentle old Junie. This experience with this horse was very good for me, because early in life I had to learn to love and appreciate her for herself. She was a wonderful horse with only a couple of bad habits. People are a lot the same way. None of us is perfect; yet each of us is trying to become perfect, even as our Father in heaven. We need to appreciate and love people for themselves.
Maybe you need to remember this when you evaluate your parents or teachers or ward and stake leaders or friends—or brothers and sisters. This lesson has always stayed with me—to see the good in people even though we are trying to help them overcome one or two bad habits. …
I learned early in life to love and not to judge others, trying always to overcome my own faults.8

Yes,I do know this pic is of a cow, but you get what you pay for;)