What I Want My Children to Know about Being a SAHM

I saw an article about a stay at home mom who spoke at her child's career day at school.Good for her! But she received a lot of credit for making her choice to stay home into a "legitimate career". I've always thought that was a little silly. Why do we automatically make the assumption that stay at home moms have a valuable "career".  There are comparisons to how much salary they would make if they got paid for their "job."

We as stay at home moms are supposed to be "experts" on activities such as nursing, cooking, driving, laundry, etc. Well guess what? Just because I choose to be home with my children has not made me an expert in anything. I actually outsource most of these jobs. I PAY PROFESSIONALS to cook (Taco Bell), clean (housekeeper), drive (school buses), doctors, dentists, TEACHERS, hairdressers, etc! I stayed home before I even had children. Was I a SAHM? No-but I didn't have a "career" either. And I still had worth and value!  I can tell elementary school kids how I spend my days, but I think most of them will be bored and definitely disgusted and maybe even scarred for life...

I'm asked every day "How do you do it?". I don't really have an answer to that question. Is it because I have to? Yes. Is it because I choose to?Yes. Is it because even if it's hard I know it is the most important hard on earth?Yes. But even all of that doesn't cover it...when I come up with a good answer I'll let you know!

I had a moment a few weeks ago while on our road trip that was surreal. I finally realized that I was THE mother of this family. That I wasn't pretending. That I was actually molding and shaping these children and not just "babysitting." I know it seems pretty silly that after 7 years that I am just realizing this. 

I was thinking about all of the road trips I took as a kid and how I have shifted from being the one to ride in the middle seat of the station wagon The Babysitter's Club to the one who had packed the sack lunches and entertainment bags and passed out the Twizzlers.  It was a quiet moment of big kids reading and little kids sleeping. (Not to be confused with the MAJOR in front of the whole school meltdown we had today).  

I wasn't just along for the ride. I created the ride. I co-created the children. And the flow of the ride. Many times I have heard from friends and family that, "you guys do so much! and go on so many trips!"  Well, we do that deliberately. That's what WE choose to do. Every class and dinner out and church activity and trip is how we have decided to raise our children. It is NOT a career. Or a job. It is a LIFE.

Decisions about finances, jobs, careers and parenthood are IMPORTANT. And upon my children making these important decisions, I want them to listen to the only real EXPERT there is.

Think 1

We do a lot of thinking in twos around here. And four and six. If I see someone with one baby, I automatically look around for the other one. If I'm changing one baby then I automatically grab a diaper for the other cause I know that's coming around the bend. They sleep at the same time, eat at the same time, play in the same areas, etc. BUT occasionally, JUST occasionally, we deal with ONE! This week I dealt with one while I made the carpool run.  I dealt with one when I got to take Rachel to see Cinderella (It was heavenly I tell you).

So today I want to tell you about the one:

Adam is #1. He is my first born, my only son and likes to be first in EVERYTHING. He is my easiest kid right now because he is so independent. He is my go to helper and he can make food, open all baby proofing, etc. He is also my hardest kid because he is stubborn and anxious and competative (just like ME!) So ask him to go to bed on time and we're golden. But get him to let you pull out a splinter and we have a full blown nightmare on our hands. Plus he's telling little white lies. But he's also teaching himself multiplication. We LOVE this guy!

Rachel is my favorite. No, just kidding. But she is my easiest now because she is so easy going! She is compliant. And she is my number 1 babysitter. I hear, "Bachel" around here more than Mommy! She is the first to give me a hug or to ask if I need anything. She is the best friend you could ever have. But she is my hardest because she is so darn forgetful. And disorganied. And slow. All things that are ( NOT me). So we deal with that. And I blame her father.

Brooke is my hardest toddler right now because she is LOUD! And pushy. And obsessive (especially of Mickey Mouse and MY tablet). But she is easy because she is so easy to transfer. Time to go? get dressed?eat?turn off the tv?clean up?go to bed? Okay! She says. Almost no tears over changing activities. I LOVE that.  She also is so funny.  But she pulls her sister's hair out! 

Erica is my easiest because she talks well and is so polite. "Here you go. Thank you. You're welcome". I hear over and over. If she has an ouchie on her knee and I kiss it better than I hear, "Thanks, Mom."  She is so energetic and fun. She loves to move and climb and is very capable of doing so. She is my hardest because she is so fiercely independent. I can't do anything for her! "I do it" is her most common phrase. And oh man can she scream if I don't do exactly what she wants exactly when she wants it! She is so easy to compare to Rachel because of their looks and personality but I do see differences.

So basically all of this 'oneness' added together means that I am losing my mind! But I also think we have a pretty good system around here. The olders take care of themselves, each other and the youngers. Ryan works hard and diffuses all of my explosions with his humor. The youngers bug each other and everyone else. I drink Diet Dr. Pepper everyday even though it's toxic and go to bed with every intent to give it up tomorrow.  And then we do it again.

(Hmmm...I guess I take a lot of pictures while we eat...I guess it's cause they are holding still!)

For Real

So people have been telling me that they like that I'm "real". So I've been giving thought to what that means. I don't know if I like it so much. Cause the real I am means the things I am not. And I am not a lot of things:clean, on time, matched, artistic, a cook, a musician, a poet. I am not high energy. I am not fast.
 So what does all of that look like?  It looks like a family of six trudging two carts through Costco with a toddler screaming through the aisles and with a face so booger slimed and dirty I'm surprised someone didn't call CPS. It looks like a son who throws fit after fit because he's tired and hungry but really it's cause he's sad he's the  only boy. It looks like toddlers climbing and climbing and climbing out of their cribs and saying mine mmine mine mmine I do it I do it I do it! And it looks like a freshly vacumned floor with new crumbs and toys within seconds. And a sink full of dishes and three laundry baskets waiting to fold. And a never ending list of projects: hang the pictures, catch up on blog, send note to friend, order birthday present, check on gma, etc.  You have those things too.

If I look at this "real" for too long then I admit it--it's depressing! It's overwhelming! It's all consuming.  But...are you ready for it...there is a BUT...

BUT...
I know I'm blessed.
I know it doesn't last forever.
I know that others have a harder and longer "real"
I know that there is help! Divine help, neighbor help, friend help,pychiatric help, and let's blog about it and get it off my chest help.
And so all of this means that I can have a total breakdown I'm hopeless fit on Friday and on Sunday I can sit in the middle of all this realness and laugh and laugh.

Because this roller coaster, highway, box of chocolates, life test, insert your favorite analogy here, is REAL. And I'm happy to at least be that.

This was supposed to be a cute video of E copying everything B did or said. But of course she stopped as soon as the camera came out. I also have a really cute video of them at library story time, but my phone broke before it could upload to backup. Of course. :)

Everyone Should Have a Twin

So I've been comtemplating what I have been showing the world about my mothering life. I haven't been happy with it. I have been showing the hard stuff. (Which is there all the time). But does it dominate my perspective? I'm afraid it does more than I'd like it to. My husband is so much better at making things fun and happy. We had about ten minutes between dinner and bedtime last night...and so this is what we did. It was awesome.

Just in 24 hours I've had conversations in which people have said:

"I don't know how you do it."
"you're my hero"

I hear these often.  And I LOVE hearing it; don't stop :)

But I also had this convo: (after seeing twin b push twin a over to me after calling her over a few times).

"You have two sets of twins? That's fantastic."

And I definitely need to hear this more often and believe it and share it! Because yes, it is FANTASTIC!

Managing to Nourish

Yesterday I went to the funeral of a fellow mother of multiples (twins plus five!).

She was DeAnna Welling Packer, but we knew her only as Mother Packer. It was said that "I'd rather see a sermon than hear one." And how she was a living sermon of Christlike qualities. And the sermon this angel Mother left me is this:

She did not manage her children at all. She simply nourished them. Like a gardener in the soil, she planted the seeds, provided all of the water, nutrients and sunshine they needed, and then let them grow. And what a beautiful garden she turned out to have!  Some daisies, some roses, some extras (like me and my friends) that got added to the pot along the way.

I'm so blessed to have Lori Packer Truman in my life. And we both are in love with our friend Jeanine's baby :)

Her light shone so bright that it was tempting to only see your own insignifigance and shrink in her presence. But as a true Mother she never allowed that. She opened her blanket of warmth and wrapped you up in it so tightly that you couldn't help but be reminded of your own light and to feel only inspired to make it grow.

She was so good at validating the weeds you think you have, but only inspiring you to  turn them into flowers again...not by force or grit, but only invitation and love.  Not unlike our Savior. So much like our Savior.

So now the only thing that I want to "manage" is myself-to become more like the mother He wants me to be. And hopefully I will help them see  more flower than weed.

My Girl

So I worried about my kids this week. A lot. All four of them. For four different reasons. I especially worried about my RachE girl. Not for any reason I care to share. Everything is mostly fine. But she is just on the top of my list this week. And so I have cried. And prayed. And asked God for specific answers of how to resolve my concerns towards her.
And, the answers came. Slowly but surely. One came as I was thinking back to Rachel as a baby. She was a peculiar one. She gave us worry even then as she tried to eat and grow her way out of the NICU. And she was my screamer. For no reason that I could discern. So one night at about 1 am I heard the screams. And they kept coming and coming and coming. And I was tired. Too tired to get up. Too tired to do anything other than let her scream. And eventually she did stop. And it was fine. But I have always regretted that one night. Why couldn't I have just gotten up and held her for a few minutes!?

So as I cried and prayed over her this week the answer came to me:  "If you could go back to that night, what would you have done differently?" the Spirit spoke to me. "I would have gotten up."I answered. "Well, then that's all you need to do now."   What did that teach me? LOVE. I just need to love my kids. Love them in the way that THEY each need to be loved. In reality, I know I still wouldn't have gotten up with my screaming baby that night (sometimes mama's gotta sleep!). But I would have loved her better. And I still need to do that.

Like last night when she was so nicely playing on the playground. Hi Mom! she called from the slide. "Hi Rachel" I answered from my position of nose in facebook.  "you're not even looking at me!" she called. Okay, I got it. Phone away.  Get out of bed and hold your baby.

Or the other night when I so proudly told them, "being a mom is the best job in the world. I wouldn't want to be doing anything else."  Then my astute daughter commented, "Then why do you cry everyday?" Ha! "Because it's still hard" I told her.

I choose this job. So it's time I suck it up and start practicing what I preach. Cause one day I won't be tired anymore. But there won't be anyone to wake up in the night for.

President Uchtdorf said:"God loves you this very day and always. He is not waiting to love you until you have overcome your weaknesses and bad habits. He loves you today with a full understanding of your struggles...He knows of your remorse for the times you have fallen short or failed. And still He loves you...He wants you to achieve your destiny--to return to your heavenly home in honor."

I believe this. And so I will manage to do better with the multiple blessings He has given to me.

PS. I don't want anyone to worry about us. Everything is fine. We mostly have a clean house and laundry folded and happy kids who are obedient and kind. And I really don't think I'm a bad mom for letting my baby cry for one night while I got some sleep. But I did need these quiet lessons this week in order for me to be the mom my kids need me to be.

Eyes to See

I don't know how to say what I want to say, so just bear with me as this clumsily comes out!
We had a really nice Christmas break with my family and now we are back to reality. My toddlers are playing in their cribs while they wait for me to finish "my" morning stuff. I pried myself awake at 6:30 and not quite sucessfully got the 6 year olds to school on time. Apparently my resolution to be patient with my daughter who dawdles has failed.
One of my resolutions is to not complain so much. In reality, I have everything I need and almost everything I want. But yet this is still a constant struggle for me. I do not deal well with noise, mess, or disorder. I crave structure, order, obedience, quiet. So having so many young kids (while a dream come true) really is a challenge for me.
So while I am finding sneakers that should have been found last night and pouring bowls of cereal five minutes after we should have left I have to repeat to myself, "At least my babies sleep in and I don't have to deal with them yet."

And when my babies are screaming and pushing each other off of my lap and they both want mommy right now! I have to repeat to myself, "At least they still nap!"

My quest of not complaining so much often reminds me of all of you. So many of you are succeeding at this mothering thing. You might not think you are. But I see you. I see you raising handfuls of boys in a small space. I see you going to work and leaving little ones day  after day. I see you waking up at the crack of dawn over and over and over. I see you being single parents, working parents, stay at home parents who are just weary. But I see you fighting for your kids. I see you cuddling them when they're sick and wiping their tears over and over and over.
And I do the same things. And I'm grateful for the help I have. I am so thankful that when I am at the grocery store, or airport, or church that I can look around and see kindness in people's eyes. That they will play peek a boo. Or pick up a toy. Or distract a tantruming toddler. And I hope that you have that help also. Because we all need it, large or small or multiple children or not. And I hope to be that person to you as you have been to me. I want to be able to bring you dinner even when we are eating chicken nuggets. I want to be able to babysit your kids even when my house has exploded into a toy landfill.
That is my resolution this year. To stop complaining and to look outside of my own self to reach out and SEE the good I can do.

But I know I will fail at it. I know that I will let the clutter and the noise and the tears get to me very quickly. I know that if it is up to me I will never rise above myself. But it doesn't matter. I am not the one who needs to see. Because even if we all fail--He doesn't. He sees. He knows. And if we open our eyes, He will guide us to who we need to help this day. In our own home, or outside of it. I might not see you, but He does. I can't complain about any of that!